War, famine, why my wife left me: five things that are the fault of trans women according to newspaper columnists

NEED a convenient scapegoat for everything wrong with society? Why not pin it all on the transgender community, like broadsheet columnists do? 

The invasion of Ukraine

Forget history – it’s pretty obvious that the world’s complex geopolitical tensions could be easily solved if trans people just stopped. Putin has made it clear he was provoked into a massive land war by the unjustified cancelling of JK Rowling. And who can blame him?

Kids going hungry

Suffering in the cost-of-living crisis? It’s all down to damn trans people demanding gender-neutral hummus and multi-genital blood napkins. Children now starve at school because their lunchtime is taken up by mandatory trans worship, cleverly disguised as lessons on being kind.

Delayed trains

If only trans people weren’t demanding announcers include non-binary genders, agender people, two-spirits and a comprehensive rundown of queer identities, trains could leave on time. But individually-pronouned tickets mean there’s no chance. Apparently it’s okay to be yourself, but not okay for me to get to Didcot Parkway on time. Double standards?


Just as trans people are taking ever-rising numbers of hormones, according to Mumsnet, inflation started spiralling. Coincidence? The economy has tanked not because of Brexit or the pandemic, but because of the terrible gender plague ravaging the land. Trust me, a qualified art history graduate, on this one.

Why my wife left

I’m a perfectly reasonable dude who only spends twenty hours a day yelling at transgender people on Twitter, so it must be their fault. They drugged her with the puberty blockers now handed out in parks like sweets and she’s being held hostage until she can think of twelve new genders. Why won’t the world listen?

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