SLAVISHLY attempting to fit in with your peers is just something pathetic teenagers do, right? Or did you do one of the following things because all your grown-up mates did?
That beard you grew
Men used to be mostly clean-shaven. Then suddenly beards became the fashion, even for beardies ill-suited to it like David Mitchell. Don’t expect anyone to believe you woke up one day in 2017 and spontaneously thought it would be good to look like sailor Action Man.
You were never that into kids. But then your friends started getting them and saying things like, ‘It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever done!’ Now you suspect this is bollocks and they’re just trying to maintain the parental lie that they’re not the slaves of distinctly mediocre little humans who show their gratitude by being rude twats.
You lost interest in this game based on dull words like ‘mince’ ages ago, but you’re stuck discussing it with various friends. Friends who aren’t quitters like you and have committed relationships and proper jobs like lawyer. Thanks a lot for the reminder you’re a f**king failure, Wordle.
Caring about the environment
You affect concern and dutifully do your recycling, but the truth is you don’t really care, not in the sense of caring about your receding hairline. Who gives a shit if the dolphins die out? You’re never going to see one in Crewe and they’re a bit overrated. Has a dolphin ever directed a classic movie like Total Recall?
Pretending to like quality TV
You feel obliged to agree how brilliant stuff like The Handmaid’s Tale was, but your true tastes are tacky documentaries about the SS, hellish foreign prisons and serial killers. It’s a painful reminder of being 17 and pretending to like dub reggae, leading to much boredom with zero impact on getting laid.
Skinny jeans are somehow still popular. Even slim teenagers look stupid in them, like they’ve had a pair of spindly cyborg legs grafted on in some sci-fi experiment. The contrast is even worse for anyone with even a hint of a paunch – ie. you. Still, it’s better than giving up entirely, like your dad, who was still wearing his flares in 1986.