MEN are slightly disgusting, so it’s not surprising women fib about what they find attractive. Here are some nice sentiments that are actually filthy lies.
‘I just want someone who’ll make me laugh’
Technically true, but what she really wants is for you to make her laugh AND have all the other qualities she desires. When you’re not making her roll in the aisles with professional-standard jokes you should be earning a decent salary and dressing well. And if she hears a burglar downstairs you’ve got to fearlessly investigate, not do a Woody Allen routine about being a coward.
‘I actually find bald men really sexy’
Those bald men being The Rock, Pep Guardiola and, from certain angles, Jason Statham. Sadly, you’re none of the above. Due to your follicles giving up in your mid-20s the only bald movie star you resemble is Gollum. Any woman who says this should have to go out with a quota of baldies before she’s allowed to settle down with a lusciously-tressed Fabio lookalike.
‘Money isn’t important to me’
Implausibly, women are not interested in the stuff you need to eat, own a home and buy non-shite birthday presents. The truth is they don’t want to go out with the Wolf of Wall Street, although he is your financial role model, but nor do they envisage a romantic future of perpetually extending your overdraft and going through jacket pockets in the hope of finding a fiver.
‘I like grey hair, it’s distinguished’
It certainly is, if you’re Sir David Attenborough. But most women aren’t trying to get jiggy with iconic 95-year-old nature broadcasters. Unless they have severe daddy issues or are really interested in whales. Your best option is to crack open the Just For Men. Just beware it running down your face if the temperature goes above 11 degrees, making it look as if your head is melting.
‘I don’t care about muscles’
Women love your beer belly and don’t care if you don’t have washboard abs. Yeah right. And they don’t care if you’re ‘cuddly’ (ie. horribly out of shape) and sex is like a manatee navigating a slippery rock. No, they love puniness and blubber and it’s just a coincidence that now they’re going to the bathroom to google pictures of Channing Tatum.